Diary of a Chinese Lesbian

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for your words of support in the last years. I finally did what I wanted to do since the beginning; move the blog to its own domain. After many hours of learning, tweaking, and trial & error coding, I've figured it all out and here are the results. I'm super excited! I hope you enjoy the new space and call it home like I have :)

This will be my last post via blogger.

Please visit diaryofachineselesbian.com from now on.

Cheers,

Luxi

When we get our hearts broken in a severe way, it's hard to get out of the comfort zone and let yourself love again, but just remember, when the risks are great; the rewards are greater.










Circle of Self‐Sabotage
The depiction of the inner workings of one's contemplation, and emotional progression as illustrated through flow charts.

The root of fear resides in the risk one adheres when presented with the potential of awesomeness. In a bout of irrational and self‐preserving thought to prevent the potential loss and ultimate heartbreak, although questionable, one is captivated and petrified by the fear. This launches the emotional self to unleash defense mechanisms that render the 'heart' unavailable leaving involved parties frustrated which ultimately leads to the certainty of loss.

It is clear that fear and emotional captivity is a self‐contained process with few extraneous factors. However, as enslaving as this cyclic progression of crashing and burning is, it can be easily dismantled if the rightful party realizes the greater potential for awesomeness and the ultimate rewards that that scenario can provide.

One must let go of all inhibitions and open the doors to emotional gain to become in the moment and share all the emotions with the involved party.

Twenty-o-nine went by and what has transpired?
Productivity and self discovery fueled by random desires.
Done are the days of tequila, girls, and unrelenting aggression,
One night with me and even the straights will question.

Ode to an official end with papers in sight,
No regrets, no grudges, especially no spite.
Ready as I'll ever be to take on a new chapter,
Bring lust, butterflies, and even heartache thereafter.

A new place with a fireplace and a modern-chic theme,
Balanced out with my practical and eco-aware scheme.
Minimized yet not minimalist, that will be home,
Can't wait to get settled and call the place my own.

Dream school here I come, third try's the charm,
She's serious this time? Quick, sound the alarm!
I'm not considering one but two tests this time,
Succeeding at both would just be Oh so sublime.

This year like always, there will be no regrets,
I'm certain about myself, my values, so "no sweat"!
Going to get hyped up with new beats and sounds,
Everything is set in place, let's see what goes down.

Written in February of 2009.

Rollercoasters and free-falls from the highest high,
Brought down by betrayal, denial and the most painful good-bye.
Strength foretold the end and a modern beginning,
A fresh chapter written with confident new winnings.

It will be NSAs, PDAs, and everything in between,
Let's just hope no one we catch will be in their teens.
This new year will fill us with great obstacles and drama galore,
But we will always have each other to pimp out and whore.

No matter what, it's all or nothing, no half assing at all,
The goal is to achieve the most ultimate most extreme blue ball.
Brand spanking new dresses with matching accessories to boot,
We'll just have to see who goes home with the biggest loot.

The message is clear "master your domain",
Bring it on Bitches, bring on all the make-out fame.
So ladies and gentlemen lay down all your bets,
When the smoke has cleared,
What ever happens, no regrets.

It has been an year since things fell apart and now that I've gathered all the pieces and cleared out the rubbish, it's time to start myself down a new path. 2009 started off pretty bumpy and quickly spiraled into consecutive weekends of mad dancing, drinking, randomness, and the rest of the craziness I threw myself into; in an effort to feel something... anything.

The next year will require much more focus and discipline. I need to rock the standardized tests if I were to get anywhere (yes, I'm considering taking more than one). Meanwhile, on the personal side, I may open myself up again to heart break.

"When", I ask, "do we stop looking for that person? When does one fulfill enough of the 'standards' set to say that you will be satisfied for life?" The more people I meet, the more I reflect, ponder, idealize; the narrower my field of search. I'm now looking through a pinhole. That aside, I don't think I'd be satisfied with anything less. In an already shallow 'date pool', what I'm asking for is relationship suicide. Then again, I have straight friends with even more specific standards and they seem to have found people who are above and beyond their expectations.

Perhaps, it's not all at loss.

Journal entry - sometime in September.

au·ton·o·my
Pronunciation: \-mē\
Function: noun
Date: circa 1623 Merriam-Webster Dictionary

1 : the quality or state of being self-governing; especially : the right of self-government
2 : self-directing freedom and especially moral independence
3 : a self-governing state


I rejoice in the feeling of independence. The wind in your hair,laugh out loud, do what you want and when you want kind of freedom. I love that carefree existence where the only one I have to answer to is myself. I don't want to be responsible for someone else, nor do I want someone else to be responsible for me...

I seek pleasure in the admiration of something unique. I love that warm caress and the smell of another gentle soul taking care in embracing me with tenderness. Returning the same adoration gives me such soothing pleasure. I long for the day that I can call someone my own...

I have a hard time finding equilibrium.

I need the capacity to make individualistic and un-coerced decisions. Even the most perfect partnership is no exception. It's time to recollect myself again...

This is a page out of my journal...

What does it mean to be happy?

To feel a sense of elation; that floating in thin air feeling? When you feel like smiling just because everything seems so wonderful? When everything is just so perfect?

Happiness is only real when shared. - Into the Wild

After spending so many many days alone. I have grasped what it means to be happy. To be truely in my own element. When it comes down to it, you can only depend on yourself to be happy. At the end of the day, you have to be happy with the person you are and not just the person you are with.

I am too generous a person; I give too much.

When I get into a relationship, it quickly becomes an infatuation, an obsession; something I must have. I have always got what I wanted. But after that initial chase, when I finally catch up to my obsession, I give in. I give in whole-heartedly. Without inhibition to the other person. It's powerful, and I can be totally and utterly lost in the person and I wouldn't even know it. I become a part of them. I alter my behaviour, my preferences to what I subconsciously think they want. I start giving up myself, losing the passions that make me.

How do I get out of that cycle? I need to remove myself from people and break away the bonds that are suffocating me. I need to be solidified. Cast in copper. Right now, I'm only in the molding stages. Frustrated and torn apart from the inside by my own insanity, yet trying to reconstruct everything in a material that's unchanging; indestructable.

I still don't know where I am. How and why I made the choices that I have. I tried to do everything in my own accord, but at the end, they were for everybody else. How do I break away? How do I know what I choose is my true intentions?

I am reconstructing myself from the basics...

.