Side note...

To my readers, I apologize for my many months of absence. You have been writing and urging me to keep blogging and I'm sincerely sorry for not following through. Recently, a lot has happened in my personal life and I did not have the energy to write. However, I am getting back into my creative mode and you can all be sure to see something new on a weekly basis. Thank you for all your love and support. Love, Luxi

More About Me...

Diaries of a Chinese Lesbian is a personal retelling of my life from my first girl crush to the complexities of my present life. I'm sharing my stories in the hopes of helping other girls and women in their own coming out experience. We are not alone in this world and we should never feel like we are.

Sleep

Sleep is a sure way to get away from anything.

When you close your eyes and turn off your conscious mind, nothing can touch you. This is how I get away from it all; how I escape responsibility and the stress of dealing with my family and with myself. I've been doing it since the first time I used a knife to cut an orange and accidentally cut my finger instead; I was 5.

Now, I'm a sleep expert. I can turn off reality anytime I want and sometimes I can't even control it.

One mid-afternoon, I painfully slapped my leg repeatedly to keep from falling asleep at the wheel. In grade 11, I would fall asleep in the middle of private tutoring sessions. My classes didn't stand a chance. The instant I decided something was boring, sleep crept into the room. I'm even writing this note in an effort to stay awake.

But I don't want to sleep anymore, I want to get things done.

My first instinct to all my problems is not to deal with it. If I talked to someone about my issues then I didn't know where to start and if I started then I wouldn't know how to explain it. It's this cycle of frustration I try to avoid. But the problems never go away. It just keeps piling up like junk in an attic and until the ceiling caves in from the weight, I feel problem free.

Sleep is a sure way to die.

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