Diary of a Chinese Lesbian

This is a page out of my journal...

What does it mean to be happy?

To feel a sense of elation; that floating in thin air feeling? When you feel like smiling just because everything seems so wonderful? When everything is just so perfect?

Happiness is only real when shared. - Into the Wild

After spending so many many days alone. I have grasped what it means to be happy. To be truely in my own element. When it comes down to it, you can only depend on yourself to be happy. At the end of the day, you have to be happy with the person you are and not just the person you are with.

I am too generous a person; I give too much.

When I get into a relationship, it quickly becomes an infatuation, an obsession; something I must have. I have always got what I wanted. But after that initial chase, when I finally catch up to my obsession, I give in. I give in whole-heartedly. Without inhibition to the other person. It's powerful, and I can be totally and utterly lost in the person and I wouldn't even know it. I become a part of them. I alter my behaviour, my preferences to what I subconsciously think they want. I start giving up myself, losing the passions that make me.

How do I get out of that cycle? I need to remove myself from people and break away the bonds that are suffocating me. I need to be solidified. Cast in copper. Right now, I'm only in the molding stages. Frustrated and torn apart from the inside by my own insanity, yet trying to reconstruct everything in a material that's unchanging; indestructable.

I still don't know where I am. How and why I made the choices that I have. I tried to do everything in my own accord, but at the end, they were for everybody else. How do I break away? How do I know what I choose is my true intentions?

I am reconstructing myself from the basics...

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Alright alright... here's something from Pride... this is the dance I performed on one of the Pride stages in support of Asian Community Aids Services. :)

This is going to me my first full-immersion pride experience!!! And I'm soooo excited. Not only am I going to watch the pride march, I'm also performing on a pride stage, non-stop partying at all the biggest gay bashes, organizing a LGBT business conference, and living with a lovely group of gay Asian boys for the whole week ^^

I've come a long way since quiet little Chinese girl that kept all her crushes to herself. This Sunday I'll be sporting around my short skirt and bikini stealing kissing from all the hawt girls and boys of pride!!! Weeeee!!! It will be fantastic!

Videos and pics to come ^^

Who ever knew that watching hot women satisfy each other’s sexual desires would unlock a lifetime of denial? I thought I was free from the complexities of the homo world but boy, was I wrong...

It was three years into my straight relationship when I realized I actually loved girls. If it wasn't for abstinence, my ex's absence, and a very erotic nudge from the L Word, I might still be the sporty Chinese girl who puts up with Dick (no, that's not his name, but I'll refer to him as Dick just for simplicity and giggles). Let's just say, the summer of 2005 opened all the doors to my sexuality and my once dormant libido finally came up for air.

Two months into that lonesome summer, and under the pressure of 4 summer courses, I started thinking about my childhood and how I became the "girl-liking" person that I am. It pushed me to look into same sex literature and 'visual aid' (i.e., non-pornographic of course ;p). I started peeking into this world I knew nothing of and found a well of information that was both intriguing and foreign. I started hoarding lesbian movies, tv shows and saving every piece of Chinese lesbian culture I could find (mind you, there were few at the time).

In those days, I identified vaguely as bisexual only to my boy friend. Going into the relationship I had confided in him that I've had crushes on girls throughout my life, but he didn't take it as a threat and was very nonchalant about it. But what guy wouldn't be ok with his girlfriend liking other girls? Isn't that just a giant leap closer to fulfilling every man's 3some fantasy?

Anyways, not soon after setting off on my gay-expedition to the homo grail, I discovered the L Word; the key that unlocked my chaste mind. I sat in bed one evening, watching and re-watching some of the more ‘explicit’ episodes, and it hit me like a bullet train crammed with suspended Japanese commuters (don’t ask, the idea always massaged my imagination). My persona finally made contact with the idea of being gay and it felt like I was being thrusted (the pelvis kind) into a new era. It’s like when the kid and ET touched fingers for the first time, except this time, ET became a fag.

The shock came in the form of a dull pain of hollowness. Like blunt trauma rammed against the weak walls of my heart trying to wake my senses. I’ve denied it entry my whole life but this time the calling was unbearable. Too many naked girls have glossed my eyes, too many episodes of girl-on-girl action have lapsed into my subconscious, I could ignore it no more. I finally came home to my weird homoerotic world.

After the initial pain surpassed and realization settled in, I sat there stunned and before I knew it, I was screaming at the top of my lungs into my pillow. When I came up for air, tears were smears across my face, I felt ashamed, betrayed by my own sexuality, and scared of the unchartered waters that lie ahead. After calming myself down, I worked up the courage to call my best friend.

Me: J, I need to tell you something. Guess what it is.
J: Well there can only be a few things… you can’t possibly be pregnant… umm… you like girls?
Me: No…
J: Well, what else can it be? You can’t be married either.
Me: I think I’m a lesbian…
J: I just said that. I just asked you if you liked girls.
Me: You did? I didn’t hear you say that. Your voice must've been muffled.
J: Yah, I did. Just now. Like 5 seconds ago.
Me: Damn, that’s anti-climatic.

After my rather lucrative contract job in Vegas (i.e., I don't mean gambling or prostituting), I made enough money to fly back to Vancouver and breakup with my psycho ex-girlfriend. Please get your head out of the gutter, I was selling Bamboo flooring at a trade show. They paid me $1000 cash on top of an all expense paid trip to Las Vegas to work for five days. It was a pretty sweet deal, my boss even took me to the Bellagio for dinner.

I have to admit, the only thing that kept me from cutting her off was a cd that was in her possession (and the fear that she'll come to Toronto and murder me). Let's just say that if I angered her enough (which was easy to do) and she decided to distribute the videos and pictures on the cd, my name would be tarnished many lifetimes over.

So, I did the only thing I could do. Be just as cracked-out as she was.

I booked a flight to Vancouver and promised her that we would celebrate Valentine's Day together (awwwww… ). I think I even bought her something (awwww…), but I forget what it was. But behind the scenes I was setting a contingency plan in place, notifying my best friends of my whereabouts and the dangers of what I was about to do. This was serious stuff, psycho ex had a history of violence and drug abuse, I wasn't about to take my chances. I would check in with my friends frequently and if anything bad went down, Jing, Sylvie and the authorities would be there in a heart beat.

First I played nice like there was nothing wrong with our relationship (although, we probably had enough problems and complexes between us to write our own Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Then, when she was out of the room I'd search frantically for the cd.

It didn't take long before I found the cd. It was unmarked and left underneath some shoe boxes, one of her few hiding places (she wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box). I immediately stuffed it in my bag and waited for an opportunity to destroy it. While she was out (probably, smoking up or cheating on me), I took a lighter to the 700MB disc and watched my anxieties burn away.

Now that the disgracing evidence was taken care of, it was time for the hardest part of all, the break up.

Here's some lines I might've used:
- I came here to tell you because I care about you and want to stay friends.
- I didn't want to breakup over the phone because we've had a history together.
- You know you treated me like shit from the start and this wasn't going to last.
- You cheated on me and I can't forgive you.
- I can't live the same lifestyle that you do.
- I don't want to live on a farm and horseback ride for the rest of my life.
- I don't know if I'm going to move back to Vancouver.
- I don't want to move back to Vancouver.
- I'm not moving back to Vancouver.
- You're suffocating me, I need more freedom.
- I love dick.

Of course the dialogue was more heated. More specifically, it involved a lot of screaming, yelling, crying, finger pointing and a heavy dinner plate missed me by inches. Nonetheless, I came out of it physically unscathed (can't say the same about my emotional or psychological well-being). But hey, it worked, I became single and I didn't even have to use my entourage.

Response to Carolyn's comment on A Family Visit [探亲]

"My sister was not out to my grandparents yet. A lot of well-off and/or artistic lesbian couples had moved into their area, a nice quiet area in Northern California. So my grandparents were getting acclimated. There was a bakery they LOVED called Two Fishes Bakery (I thought it was a reference to Dr. Suess; my middle sister thought it was b/c it was two women, but maybe it was both). i got my fiance a cap there, which he loves. it's got the two fish logo on it"

Anyway, my youngest sister (gay) and I (bi) are sitting with my grandma in this bakery/coffee shop we all love, and my grandma, while accepting to a point, has her moments of indiscretion. ANyway, she goes, "I bet we're the only straight people in here."

Insert awkward silence.

Now, I pass as straight since my fiance is a male, whereas my sister only dates women, so...I felt more awkward for her than anything. Talk about an unconscious microaggression on my gma's part!

p.s. i hate not being able to be upfront with the relatives i have left about my identity! my sisters know it, i haven't really let my dad know (moot point since i'm marryign the guy? or not? i debate), nor my grandparents. it's like being biracial, i'm in the gray area and I pass both as white and straight and it sucks because i'm a chameleon and can advocate without people having already made assumptions about me, BUT it also means that people can commit microagressions consciously or unconsciously (since people sense more than they consciously know) and I'm kind of left to debate the worth of disclosure."

Thanks for taking the time and having the courage to share your story Carolyn. :)

It's an awful place to be when you can't be honest with the people you love. But at least we now have the freedom to be honest with ourselves and with the friends who do understand us. They have our backs, and eventually we'll all have the strength to proclaim who we are and be proud of it.

I hate it most when can't be honest to my mom. We used to be the closest of friends, I used to spend nights talking with her on Skype. We'd joke around, laugh so hard that our cheeks would hurt, and talk about anything and everything (yes, even the gay stuff).

I thought I had made doubly sure that she would be okay with me being gay. We've talked about homosexuality, gay parenting and even artificial insemination! And she had no problems with any of it (as long as it wasn't her own daughter). She even said that children should go to loving families, and it shouldn't matter if the parents are same-gendered. I even told her that I go to strip clubs (i.e., naked chicks) and frequent gay bars. In response, she said that 'Oprah' said that "these days gay bars are safe havens for party girls", and if I had to party somewhere I should be safe.

So what went wrong? Well, nothing. She had a natural Chinese-mom reaction (silence, followed by some guilt trip comment like "No, you're not. I'm not a bad mother". I don't blame her for it, and no matter what awful things she might say, I'll still make an effort to communicate with her. Even though, it feels like a lost cause most of the time, I still know that she has the potential to come around.

I can't describe how much it pains me to know that she's oblivious to the person that I am. A few times during my last visit, I had to force a yawn just to hide my tears. I often ask myself, doesn't she know how happy I am now? Doesn't she know how much it hurts me that she's choosing to have nothing to do with it? I guess her fears of coming out as a gay parent is similar to my experience of coming out. She doesn't want to lose her friends, she doesn't want to lose face, she doesn't want to be the parent who wasn't 'good enough' to raise a 'normal' straight daughter.

Sometimes it's good to at least have a sense of humor 8). So I sometimes imagine myself loudly proclaiming my sexuality to my parents and all my relatives. It goes something like this:

All my relatives and close family friends gather at a Chinese Banquet Hall for their Chinese New Year Feast. There's much chatter about who's making the most money, who's having an affair, who just got a divorce, who's daughter or son is going to the best schools, how much this dinner is going to cost and who's paying for it, etc.

All of a sudden, I stand up and say: "I'm a Lesbian!!!!"
Everyone else: What?! [Followed by whispers]
Me: You know, women who fuck other women; Lesbians!
Dad: Good for you daughter! I always knew you had the courage to do anything. I'm sorry, I didn't know that your life was so hard, I think a large spending allowance should ease things up.
Me: Thanks Dad, that means a lot.
Mom: I'm so glad you finally came out. I was wondering how long it would take. See, it's not too bad. Mao created a populous China, but he didn't think that they were going to age. Half the audience didn't hear what you just said, you need to say it again.
Me: I'M A LESBIAN! I LOVE WOMEN!
My Oldest Aunt: That's wonderful! We always needed more diversity in the family. Hey, I heard that your second cousin's friend is a Lesbian, maybe you two should get together.
Me: No, I don't need that, I actually got married a few months ago. Really nice girl, sexy, smart, funny.
Dad: What?! Why haven't you brought her over for dinner yet?! We need to meet this nice girl.
Me: Actually, she's standing right behind you.
[Everyone turns around, scans Chanda and lets out a very approving "Wooooo... Ahhhhh..."]
Me: Did I mention that she's Harvard educated?
[Even more Wooooos and Ahhhhhs]
My Aunt Yan: Holy poodle sticks, you got yourself one great catch! Why are we not Lesbians?

But in reality, many of us still hide out. Too afraid to stand up to 'the family'. The fear of disgrace and tarnishing the family name is etched into us. Even growing up in Canada since 1989 didn't make a dent in mine. Next week, I'll work on a letter to my mom. Something that will tell her the sorrow she has caused me, the sadness that I feel for our relationship, and that if she just wants me to be happy, then she should just be happy for me.

August 17, 2008 6:08 PM
phoenix's comment on Chinese Lesbians Takeover the Web!: Can anyone help me? Since the reforms of 2001, what impact has there been on lesbian artists in the PRC and can anyone give me some names?

That's a very good question. I'm assuming that you're talking about China dropping homosexuality from the list of mental disorders. Although this was a huge step for the Chinese gay community, it'll still be many more steps until women in the media to feel comfortable coming out in public. The first and only (that I know of) out lesbian artist in China is Qiao Qiao. However, this reform has opened a whole new avenue for artistic expression. It's actually estimated that there are 30 million gays and lesbians living in China, so when it actually becomes ok to come out, then "we're taking over bitches!!!"

Since the 'reform', there has been several historical events for Chinese lesbians.

Fish and Elephant [Jin Nian Xia Tian]
Click here to watch the trailer. This is the first lesbian film (i.e., non-porno) from mainland China that portrays the realistic love story between two Chinese women. Even though the film quality is poor and the budget was literally nonexistent, director Li Yu still did such a phenomenal job with the details that it feels like you're the one having the love affair.

Gay Connections [Tongxing Xianglian]
China's first gay talk show! This is a 12 part weekly talk show broadcasted in 2007 on several online video pages including Phoenixtv.com, Sina.com, QQ.com and Mop.com. I actually haven't found the actual online videos yet , so please let me know when you do. Their first guest was Qiao Qiao and it's hosted by Didier Zheng, a "French-educated homosexual", what ever that's supposed to mean. I guess he could have a dying thirst for haute couture, a Chinese French accent, and a wine connoisseur who's obsessed with cheese parings.

I've also read that there has been a paper published by one of China's top universities on gay sex among men in China. Also, there are some 'government' sanctioned gay internet chatrooms in Beijing. Although, I've never used them myself, I've come across a few and it mostly caters to gay men.


Other lesbian films that have been making it in the mainstream are:

Saving face
This is my favourite lesbian film because it focuses on the serious issue of coming out to a Chinese family but it's also a romantic comedy with a hilarious twist. It's written and directed by first time film maker Alice Wu, who actually has a masters in computer science from Stanford, but she really started making it big after she ditched her parents' ambitions and pursued her own (hooray for telling your parents to fuck off!). Oh yah, and it stars Joan Chen (陈冲) a huge movie star in my parent's generation. I even got my mom to watch this movie before I came out to her 8p.

Butterfly
This is a film out of Hong Kong that follows the life of a married high school teacher who constantly reminisce about her teenage lesbian love affair with her female classmate. Her married life actually reminds me of my last straight relationship. O_O Seemingly carefree and harmonic, but filled with anxiety and longings for something different (i.e., a woman).

Spider Lilies
This movie was a slow to pick up and sometimes hard to follow, but all you need to know is that the two lead actresses are super hot. A must see!

Les Filles du Botaniste (Chinese Botanists Daughter)
The cinematography of this film is amazing, it's very artistic. And although it's filmed in Vietnam (Chinese authorities probably didn't want anything to do with the gays), they did a really good job making it look like China. The story is set in the 1980s-1990 and follows a tragic love affair between and female student and the 'Chinese Botanists Daughter'.