Coming Out
Who ever knew that watching hot women satisfy each other’s sexual desires would unlock a lifetime of denial? I thought I was free from the complexities of the homo world but boy, was I wrong...
It was three years into my straight relationship when I realized I actually loved girls. If it wasn't for abstinence, my ex's absence, and a very erotic nudge from the L Word, I might still be the sporty Chinese girl who puts up with Dick (no, that's not his name, but I'll refer to him as Dick just for simplicity and giggles). Let's just say, the summer of 2005 opened all the doors to my sexuality and my once dormant libido finally came up for air.
Two months into that lonesome summer, and under the pressure of 4 summer courses, I started thinking about my childhood and how I became the "girl-liking" person that I am. It pushed me to look into same sex literature and 'visual aid' (i.e., non-pornographic of course ;p). I started peeking into this world I knew nothing of and found a well of information that was both intriguing and foreign. I started hoarding lesbian movies, tv shows and saving every piece of Chinese lesbian culture I could find (mind you, there were few at the time).
In those days, I identified vaguely as bisexual only to my boy friend. Going into the relationship I had confided in him that I've had crushes on girls throughout my life, but he didn't take it as a threat and was very nonchalant about it. But what guy wouldn't be ok with his girlfriend liking other girls? Isn't that just a giant leap closer to fulfilling every man's 3some fantasy?
Anyways, not soon after setting off on my gay-expedition to the homo grail, I discovered the L Word; the key that unlocked my chaste mind. I sat in bed one evening, watching and re-watching some of the more ‘explicit’ episodes, and it hit me like a bullet train crammed with suspended Japanese commuters (don’t ask, the idea always massaged my imagination). My persona finally made contact with the idea of being gay and it felt like I was being thrusted (the pelvis kind) into a new era. It’s like when the kid and ET touched fingers for the first time, except this time, ET became a fag.
The shock came in the form of a dull pain of hollowness. Like blunt trauma rammed against the weak walls of my heart trying to wake my senses. I’ve denied it entry my whole life but this time the calling was unbearable. Too many naked girls have glossed my eyes, too many episodes of girl-on-girl action have lapsed into my subconscious, I could ignore it no more. I finally came home to my weird homoerotic world.
After the initial pain surpassed and realization settled in, I sat there stunned and before I knew it, I was screaming at the top of my lungs into my pillow. When I came up for air, tears were smears across my face, I felt ashamed, betrayed by my own sexuality, and scared of the unchartered waters that lie ahead. After calming myself down, I worked up the courage to call my best friend.
Me: J, I need to tell you something. Guess what it is.
J: Well there can only be a few things… you can’t possibly be pregnant… umm… you like girls?
Me: No…
J: Well, what else can it be? You can’t be married either.
Me: I think I’m a lesbian…
J: I just said that. I just asked you if you liked girls.
Me: You did? I didn’t hear you say that. Your voice must've been muffled.
J: Yah, I did. Just now. Like 5 seconds ago.
Me: Damn, that’s anti-climatic.
It was three years into my straight relationship when I realized I actually loved girls. If it wasn't for abstinence, my ex's absence, and a very erotic nudge from the L Word, I might still be the sporty Chinese girl who puts up with Dick (no, that's not his name, but I'll refer to him as Dick just for simplicity and giggles). Let's just say, the summer of 2005 opened all the doors to my sexuality and my once dormant libido finally came up for air.
Two months into that lonesome summer, and under the pressure of 4 summer courses, I started thinking about my childhood and how I became the "girl-liking" person that I am. It pushed me to look into same sex literature and 'visual aid' (i.e., non-pornographic of course ;p). I started peeking into this world I knew nothing of and found a well of information that was both intriguing and foreign. I started hoarding lesbian movies, tv shows and saving every piece of Chinese lesbian culture I could find (mind you, there were few at the time).
In those days, I identified vaguely as bisexual only to my boy friend. Going into the relationship I had confided in him that I've had crushes on girls throughout my life, but he didn't take it as a threat and was very nonchalant about it. But what guy wouldn't be ok with his girlfriend liking other girls? Isn't that just a giant leap closer to fulfilling every man's 3some fantasy?
Anyways, not soon after setting off on my gay-expedition to the homo grail, I discovered the L Word; the key that unlocked my chaste mind. I sat in bed one evening, watching and re-watching some of the more ‘explicit’ episodes, and it hit me like a bullet train crammed with suspended Japanese commuters (don’t ask, the idea always massaged my imagination). My persona finally made contact with the idea of being gay and it felt like I was being thrusted (the pelvis kind) into a new era. It’s like when the kid and ET touched fingers for the first time, except this time, ET became a fag.
The shock came in the form of a dull pain of hollowness. Like blunt trauma rammed against the weak walls of my heart trying to wake my senses. I’ve denied it entry my whole life but this time the calling was unbearable. Too many naked girls have glossed my eyes, too many episodes of girl-on-girl action have lapsed into my subconscious, I could ignore it no more. I finally came home to my weird homoerotic world.
After the initial pain surpassed and realization settled in, I sat there stunned and before I knew it, I was screaming at the top of my lungs into my pillow. When I came up for air, tears were smears across my face, I felt ashamed, betrayed by my own sexuality, and scared of the unchartered waters that lie ahead. After calming myself down, I worked up the courage to call my best friend.
Me: J, I need to tell you something. Guess what it is.
J: Well there can only be a few things… you can’t possibly be pregnant… umm… you like girls?
Me: No…
J: Well, what else can it be? You can’t be married either.
Me: I think I’m a lesbian…
J: I just said that. I just asked you if you liked girls.
Me: You did? I didn’t hear you say that. Your voice must've been muffled.
J: Yah, I did. Just now. Like 5 seconds ago.
Me: Damn, that’s anti-climatic.
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