Diary of a Chinese Lesbian

After my rather lucrative contract job in Vegas (i.e., I don't mean gambling or prostituting), I made enough money to fly back to Vancouver and breakup with my psycho ex-girlfriend. Please get your head out of the gutter, I was selling Bamboo flooring at a trade show. They paid me $1000 cash on top of an all expense paid trip to Las Vegas to work for five days. It was a pretty sweet deal, my boss even took me to the Bellagio for dinner.

I have to admit, the only thing that kept me from cutting her off was a cd that was in her possession (and the fear that she'll come to Toronto and murder me). Let's just say that if I angered her enough (which was easy to do) and she decided to distribute the videos and pictures on the cd, my name would be tarnished many lifetimes over.

So, I did the only thing I could do. Be just as cracked-out as she was.

I booked a flight to Vancouver and promised her that we would celebrate Valentine's Day together (awwwww… ). I think I even bought her something (awwww…), but I forget what it was. But behind the scenes I was setting a contingency plan in place, notifying my best friends of my whereabouts and the dangers of what I was about to do. This was serious stuff, psycho ex had a history of violence and drug abuse, I wasn't about to take my chances. I would check in with my friends frequently and if anything bad went down, J, S and the authorities would be there in a heart beat.

First I played nice like there was nothing wrong with our relationship (although, we probably had enough problems and complexes between us to write our own Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Then, when she was out of the room I'd search frantically for the cd.

It didn't take long before I found the cd. It was unmarked and left underneath some shoe boxes, one of her few hiding places (she wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box). I immediately stuffed it in my bag and waited for an opportunity to destroy it. While she was out (probably, smoking up or cheating on me), I took a lighter to the 700MB disc and watched my anxieties burn away.

Now that the disgracing evidence was taken care of, it was time for the hardest part of all, the break up.

Here's some lines I might've used:
- I came here to tell you because I care about you and want to stay friends.
- I didn't want to breakup over the phone because we've had a history together.
- You know you treated me like shit from the start and this wasn't going to last.
- You cheated on me and I can't forgive you.
- I can't live the same lifestyle that you do.
- I don't want to live on a farm and horseback ride for the rest of my life.
- I don't know if I'm going to move back to Vancouver.
- I don't want to move back to Vancouver.
- I'm not moving back to Vancouver.
- You're suffocating me, I need more freedom.
- I love dick.

Of course the dialogue was more heated. More specifically, it involved a lot of screaming, yelling, crying, finger pointing and a heavy dinner plate missing me by inches. Nonetheless, I came out of it physically unscathed (can't say the same about my emotional or psychological well-being). But hey, it worked, I became single and I didn't even have to use my entourage.