Diary of a Chinese Lesbian

Response to Carolyn's comment on A Family Visit [探亲]

"My sister was not out to my grandparents yet. A lot of well-off and/or artistic lesbian couples had moved into their area, a nice quiet area in Northern California. So my grandparents were getting acclimated. There was a bakery they LOVED called Two Fishes Bakery (I thought it was a reference to Dr. Suess; my middle sister thought it was b/c it was two women, but maybe it was both). i got my fiance a cap there, which he loves. it's got the two fish logo on it"

Anyway, my youngest sister (gay) and I (bi) are sitting with my grandma in this bakery/coffee shop we all love, and my grandma, while accepting to a point, has her moments of indiscretion. ANyway, she goes, "I bet we're the only straight people in here."

Insert awkward silence.

Now, I pass as straight since my fiance is a male, whereas my sister only dates women, so...I felt more awkward for her than anything. Talk about an unconscious microaggression on my gma's part!

p.s. i hate not being able to be upfront with the relatives i have left about my identity! my sisters know it, i haven't really let my dad know (moot point since i'm marryign the guy? or not? i debate), nor my grandparents. it's like being biracial, i'm in the gray area and I pass both as white and straight and it sucks because i'm a chameleon and can advocate without people having already made assumptions about me, BUT it also means that people can commit microagressions consciously or unconsciously (since people sense more than they consciously know) and I'm kind of left to debate the worth of disclosure."

Thanks for taking the time and having the courage to share your story Carolyn. :)

It's an awful place to be when you can't be honest with the people you love. But at least we now have the freedom to be honest with ourselves and with the friends who do understand us. They have our backs, and eventually we'll all have the strength to proclaim who we are and be proud of it.

I hate it most when can't be honest to my mom. We used to be the closest of friends, I used to spend nights talking with her on Skype. We'd joke around, laugh so hard that our cheeks would hurt, and talk about anything and everything (yes, even the gay stuff).

I thought I had made doubly sure that she would be okay with me being gay. We've talked about homosexuality, gay parenting and even artificial insemination! And she had no problems with any of it (as long as it wasn't her own daughter). She even said that children should go to loving families, and it shouldn't matter if the parents are same-gendered. I even told her that I go to strip clubs (i.e., naked chicks) and frequent gay bars. In response, she said that 'Oprah' said that "these days gay bars are safe havens for party girls", and if I had to party somewhere I should be safe.

So what went wrong? Well, nothing. She had a natural Chinese-mom reaction (silence, followed by some guilt trip comment like "No, you're not. I'm not a bad mother". I don't blame her for it, and no matter what awful things she might say, I'll still make an effort to communicate with her. Even though, it feels like a lost cause most of the time, I still know that she has the potential to come around.

I can't describe how much it pains me to know that she's oblivious to the person that I am. A few times during my last visit, I had to force a yawn just to hide my tears. I often ask myself, doesn't she know how happy I am now? Doesn't she know how much it hurts me that she's choosing to have nothing to do with it? I guess her fears of coming out as a gay parent is similar to my experience of coming out. She doesn't want to lose her friends, she doesn't want to lose face, she doesn't want to be the parent who wasn't 'good enough' to raise a 'normal' straight daughter.

Sometimes it's good to at least have a sense of humor 8). So I sometimes imagine myself loudly proclaiming my sexuality to my parents and all my relatives. It goes something like this:

All my relatives and close family friends gather at a Chinese Banquet Hall for their Chinese New Year Feast. There's much chatter about who's making the most money, who's having an affair, who just got a divorce, who's daughter or son is going to the best schools, how much this dinner is going to cost and who's paying for it, etc.

All of a sudden, I stand up and say: "I'm a Lesbian!!!!"
Everyone else: What?! [Followed by whispers]
Me: You know, women who fuck other women; Lesbians!
Dad: Good for you daughter! I always knew you had the courage to do anything. I'm sorry, I didn't know that your life was so hard, I think a large spending allowance should ease things up.
Me: Thanks Dad, that means a lot.
Mom: I'm so glad you finally came out. I was wondering how long it would take. See, it's not too bad. Mao created a populous China, but he didn't think that they were going to age. Half the audience didn't hear what you just said, you need to say it again.
Me: I'M A LESBIAN! I LOVE WOMEN!
My Oldest Aunt: That's wonderful! We always needed more diversity in the family. Hey, I heard that your second cousin's friend is a Lesbian, maybe you two should get together.
Me: No, I don't need that, I actually got married a few months ago. Really nice girl, sexy, smart, funny.
Dad: What?! Why haven't you brought her over for dinner yet?! We need to meet this nice girl.
Me: Actually, she's standing right behind you.
[Everyone turns around, scans Chanda and lets out a very approving "Wooooo... Ahhhhh..."]
Me: Did I mention that she's Harvard educated?
[Even more Wooooos and Ahhhhhs]
My Aunt Yan: Holy poodle sticks, you got yourself one great catch! Why are we not Lesbians?

But in reality, many of us still hide out. Too afraid to stand up to 'the family'. The fear of disgrace and tarnishing the family name is etched into us. Even growing up in Canada since 1989 didn't make a dent in mine. Next week, I'll work on a letter to my mom. Something that will tell her the sorrow she has caused me, the sadness that I feel for our relationship, and that if she just wants me to be happy, then she should just be happy for me.

This trip home reminded me why I moved away, why I went to Toronto for school and why I decided to stay my distance post-graduation; I needed to escape and I didn't want to 常回家看看 [A very popular Mandarin song titled 'Come Home and Visit Us Often']

It wasn't only to escape my mom's constant nagging. Although she seems to nag with more frequency and voracity every time we meet. I had to start a new life where I could make decisions without feeling guilty about how it would look on the family. But now, every time I visit, I get thrown back into the painful apprehension that I might not be good enough for this family, or on my worst days, not good enough to be my mother's daughter.

I was just beginning to get a ring tan when I had to abandon my wedding ring in the pocket of my wife's orange backpack. Actually, I had forgotten to remove it before my parents picked me up from the airport. Good thing I noticed and slipped it off my finger before any awkward conversations arose.

If it went differently I would make up some story about a 'friendship' ring or something and how it was very 'in' to signify friendships because good friends were so hard to come by these days. I will definitely use the word 同学 [classmate] because it's the most innocent unsexualized and common relationship a Chinese girl could have. My strategy would be to make the story seem completely ordinary and easily forgettable. Hopefully, I didn't get carried away and let the story build too much, because I have enough trouble remembering all the truths in my life to remember lies masquerading as truths. That's just too much work.

Anyways, speaking of awkwardness, here are some moments on this trip leading up to awkward silence:

While fishing off the coast of British Columbia with my parents and their friends, my mom points at a boat passing by with two old men in it and says, "look at those two guys, they must be having fun". My dad retorts, "you never know, they might be gay or something". [My mom tries to make eye contact with me, but I pretend I didn't hear anything and look at the mountains instead]
[Insert awkward silence]

After dinner, my mom and I sat drinking tea and watching a new Chinese soap opera about a legendary imperial concubine who volunteered to marry the Mongolian emperor in order to stop a war. My mom says, "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?", referring to the lead actress. I reply, "yah, she's really pretty, flawless."
[My mom realizes that I might still be gay, and therefore might be sexualizing the actress]I continue to talk about how pretty the girl was while sexualizing her when I realize that my mom might have just realized what I could be doing.
[Insert awkward silence]

My mom was telling me how a Japanese man ruined my cousin's chances of getting married because she squandered her twenties waiting for him to return to Beijing. [Note: a women over 30 yrs is considered bad goods in China and seldom gets picked up by decent men thereafter] I comment on how women these days have more control over their lives and how they don't always have to choose marriage. I also go on to say, "who needs men anyways? Nobody."
[Insert awkward silence and judging stare]

I haven't had a chance to talk to my mom about my gayness mainly because my dad is here. Neither of us know him well enough to anticipate his reactions to having a lesbian daughter. But on the slight chance that he might disapprove, we'll be keeping it from him until I'm completely independent and he starts to wonder why his 32 year old daughter hasn't had a boyfriend in 8 years.

Btw, please feel free to post your own moments of awkward silence in the comments section. :)