Diary of a Chinese Lesbian

This trip home reminded me why I moved away, why I went to Toronto for school and why I decided to stay my distance post-graduation; I needed to escape and I didn't want to 常回家看看 [A very popular Mandarin song titled 'Come Home and Visit Us Often']

It wasn't only to escape my mom's constant nagging. Although she seems to nag with more frequency and voracity every time we meet. I had to start a new life where I could make decisions without feeling guilty about how it would look on the family. But now, every time I visit, I get thrown back into the painful apprehension that I might not be good enough for this family, or on my worst days, not good enough to be my mother's daughter.

I was just beginning to get a ring tan when I had to abandon my wedding ring in the pocket of my wife's orange backpack. Actually, I had forgotten to remove it before my parents picked me up from the airport. Good thing I noticed and slipped it off my finger before any awkward conversations arose.

If it went differently I would make up some story about a 'friendship' ring or something and how it was very 'in' to signify friendships because good friends were so hard to come by these days. I will definitely use the word 同学 [classmate] because it's the most innocent unsexualized and common relationship a Chinese girl could have. My strategy would be to make the story seem completely ordinary and easily forgettable. Hopefully, I didn't get carried away and let the story build too much, because I have enough trouble remembering all the truths in my life to remember lies masquerading as truths. That's just too much work.

Anyways, speaking of awkwardness, here are some moments on this trip leading up to awkward silence:

While fishing off the coast of British Columbia with my parents and their friends, my mom points at a boat passing by with two old men in it and says, "look at those two guys, they must be having fun". My dad retorts, "you never know, they might be gay or something". [My mom tries to make eye contact with me, but I pretend I didn't hear anything and look at the mountains instead]
[Insert awkward silence]

After dinner, my mom and I sat drinking tea and watching a new Chinese soap opera about a legendary imperial concubine who volunteered to marry the Mongolian emperor in order to stop a war. My mom says, "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?", referring to the lead actress. I reply, "yah, she's really pretty, flawless."
[My mom realizes that I might still be gay, and therefore might be sexualizing the actress]I continue to talk about how pretty the girl was while sexualizing her when I realize that my mom might have just realized what I could be doing.
[Insert awkward silence]

My mom was telling me how a Japanese man ruined my cousin's chances of getting married because she squandered her twenties waiting for him to return to Beijing. [Note: a women over 30 yrs is considered bad goods in China and seldom gets picked up by decent men thereafter] I comment on how women these days have more control over their lives and how they don't always have to choose marriage. I also go on to say, "who needs men anyways? Nobody."
[Insert awkward silence and judging stare]

I haven't had a chance to talk to my mom about my gayness mainly because my dad is here. Neither of us know him well enough to anticipate his reactions to having a lesbian daughter. But on the slight chance that he might disapprove, we'll be keeping it from him until I'm completely independent and he starts to wonder why his 32 year old daughter hasn't had a boyfriend in 8 years.

Btw, please feel free to post your own moments of awkward silence in the comments section. :)

Those of you who know me might agree that I am an enigma of your imagination. An organic ever evolving squiggling mass that never seems to be in the same place for more than a few minutes. But for those who raised me, know that I was born rather 内向的 [inturned, withdrawn, introverted]. I guess 1984 was a relatively quiet year for China. The Great Leap Backward [大跃进], the Cultural Revolution [文化大革命], and even Mao [毛泽东] himself have passed. And in other parts of the world, Apple was making a bold move with the launch of the Macintosh, Brian Mulroney was winning landslide elections with the Conservative Party, and Vanessa Williams was giving back her crown after Penthouse made her the centerfold. Perhaps these three seemingly unrelated events conjured up what is to be me [露溪] along with my obsession with technology, distaste for the PC party, and my love for naked women.

Don't laugh now, because apparently random experiences was all I needed to turn gay. At least, in my mother's mind. As far as she's concerned, letting my grandma raise me in the rural suburbs of Shanghai from age 1.5 to 3.5 was the biggest mistake of her life. In those two years, I was raised like a farm boy, I played with dirty boys on the dirty streets, dressed only in my dirty shorts and tank , and mouthed off everybody with my dirty mouth in fluent Shanghainese slang. Of course after my return to Beijing, my mother went to work immediately. She tried to offset the effects of rural life by dressing me in frilly anythings, patting me down with makeup, and securing my hair behind my ears with a variety of head pieces. But we all know how that turned out; it was no use, the damage was done, country turned me gay.

I guess my mother's work didn't all go to waste. I liked the attention I got when I wore dresses and I probably applied that principle to my first date. I also did become quite fond of girly clothes and accessories, especially when it's on a hot girl. Come to think of it, it would be my grandma that made me gay and my mother that tweaked my taste for femme girls.