A Family Visit [探亲]
This trip home reminded me why I moved away, why I went to Toronto for school and why I decided to stay my distance post-graduation; I needed to escape and I didn't want to 常回家看看 [A very popular Mandarin song titled 'Come Home and Visit Us Often']
It wasn't only to escape my mom's constant nagging. Although she seems to nag with more frequency and voracity every time we meet. I had to start a new life where I could make decisions without feeling guilty about how it would look on the family. But now, every time I visit, I get thrown back into the painful apprehension that I might not be good enough for this family, or on my worst days, not good enough to be my mother's daughter.
I was just beginning to get a ring tan when I had to abandon my wedding ring in the pocket of my wife's orange backpack. Actually, I had forgotten to remove it before my parents picked me up from the airport. Good thing I noticed and slipped it off my finger before any awkward conversations arose.
If it went differently I would make up some story about a 'friendship' ring or something and how it was very 'in' to signify friendships because good friends were so hard to come by these days. I will definitely use the word 同学 [classmate] because it's the most innocent unsexualized and common relationship a Chinese girl could have. My strategy would be to make the story seem completely ordinary and easily forgettable. Hopefully, I didn't get carried away and let the story build too much, because I have enough trouble remembering all the truths in my life to remember lies masquerading as truths. That's just too much work.
Anyways, speaking of awkwardness, here are some moments on this trip leading up to awkward silence:
While fishing off the coast of British Columbia with my parents and their friends, my mom points at a boat passing by with two old men in it and says, "look at those two guys, they must be having fun". My dad retorts, "you never know, they might be gay or something". [My mom tries to make eye contact with me, but I pretend I didn't hear anything and look at the mountains instead]
[Insert awkward silence]
After dinner, my mom and I sat drinking tea and watching a new Chinese soap opera about a legendary imperial concubine who volunteered to marry the Mongolian emperor in order to stop a war. My mom says, "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?", referring to the lead actress. I reply, "yah, she's really pretty, flawless."
[My mom realizes that I might still be gay, and therefore might be sexualizing the actress]I continue to talk about how pretty the girl was while sexualizing her when I realize that my mom might have just realized what I could be doing.
[Insert awkward silence]
My mom was telling me how a Japanese man ruined my cousin's chances of getting married because she squandered her twenties waiting for him to return to Beijing. [Note: a women over 30 yrs is considered bad goods in China and seldom gets picked up by decent men thereafter] I comment on how women these days have more control over their lives and how they don't always have to choose marriage. I also go on to say, "who needs men anyways? Nobody."
[Insert awkward silence and judging stare]
I haven't had a chance to talk to my mom about my gayness mainly because my dad is here. Neither of us know him well enough to anticipate his reactions to having a lesbian daughter. But on the slight chance that he might disapprove, we'll be keeping it from him until I'm completely independent and he starts to wonder why his 32 year old daughter hasn't had a boyfriend in 8 years.
Btw, please feel free to post your own moments of awkward silence in the comments section. :)
It wasn't only to escape my mom's constant nagging. Although she seems to nag with more frequency and voracity every time we meet. I had to start a new life where I could make decisions without feeling guilty about how it would look on the family. But now, every time I visit, I get thrown back into the painful apprehension that I might not be good enough for this family, or on my worst days, not good enough to be my mother's daughter.
I was just beginning to get a ring tan when I had to abandon my wedding ring in the pocket of my wife's orange backpack. Actually, I had forgotten to remove it before my parents picked me up from the airport. Good thing I noticed and slipped it off my finger before any awkward conversations arose.
If it went differently I would make up some story about a 'friendship' ring or something and how it was very 'in' to signify friendships because good friends were so hard to come by these days. I will definitely use the word 同学 [classmate] because it's the most innocent unsexualized and common relationship a Chinese girl could have. My strategy would be to make the story seem completely ordinary and easily forgettable. Hopefully, I didn't get carried away and let the story build too much, because I have enough trouble remembering all the truths in my life to remember lies masquerading as truths. That's just too much work.
Anyways, speaking of awkwardness, here are some moments on this trip leading up to awkward silence:
While fishing off the coast of British Columbia with my parents and their friends, my mom points at a boat passing by with two old men in it and says, "look at those two guys, they must be having fun". My dad retorts, "you never know, they might be gay or something". [My mom tries to make eye contact with me, but I pretend I didn't hear anything and look at the mountains instead]
[Insert awkward silence]
After dinner, my mom and I sat drinking tea and watching a new Chinese soap opera about a legendary imperial concubine who volunteered to marry the Mongolian emperor in order to stop a war. My mom says, "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?", referring to the lead actress. I reply, "yah, she's really pretty, flawless."
[My mom realizes that I might still be gay, and therefore might be sexualizing the actress]I continue to talk about how pretty the girl was while sexualizing her when I realize that my mom might have just realized what I could be doing.
[Insert awkward silence]
My mom was telling me how a Japanese man ruined my cousin's chances of getting married because she squandered her twenties waiting for him to return to Beijing. [Note: a women over 30 yrs is considered bad goods in China and seldom gets picked up by decent men thereafter] I comment on how women these days have more control over their lives and how they don't always have to choose marriage. I also go on to say, "who needs men anyways? Nobody."
[Insert awkward silence and judging stare]
I haven't had a chance to talk to my mom about my gayness mainly because my dad is here. Neither of us know him well enough to anticipate his reactions to having a lesbian daughter. But on the slight chance that he might disapprove, we'll be keeping it from him until I'm completely independent and he starts to wonder why his 32 year old daughter hasn't had a boyfriend in 8 years.
Btw, please feel free to post your own moments of awkward silence in the comments section. :)
O_O
awkward!!!!!!!!
My sister was not out to my grandparents yet. A lot of well-off and/or artistic lesbian couples had moved into their area, a nice quiet area in Northern California. So my grandparents were getting acclimated. There was a bakery they LOVED called Two Fishes Bakery (I thought it was a reference to Dr. Suess; my middle sister thought it was b/c it was two women, but maybe it was both).
Anyway, my youngest sister (gay) and I (bi) are sitting with my grandma in this bakery/coffee shop we all love, and my grandma, while accepting to a point, has her moments of indiscretion. ANyway, she goes, "I bet we're the only straight people in here."
Insert awkward silence.
Now, I pass as straight since my fiance is a male, whereas my sister only dates women, so...I felt more awkward for her than anything. Talk about an unconscious microaggression on my gma's part!
p.s. i hate not being able to be upfront with the relatives i have left about my identity! my sisters know it, i haven't really let my dad know (moot point since i'm marryign the guy? or not? i debate), nor my grandparents. it's like being biracial, i'm in the gray area and I pass both as white and straight and it sucks because i'm a chameleon and can advocate without people having already made assumptions about me, BUT it also means that people can commit microagressions consciously or unconsciously (since people sense more than they consciously know) and I'm kind of left to debate the worth of disclosure.
and
http://twofishbakery.com/
and
i got my fiance a cap there, which he loves. it's got the two fish logo on it